It’s now 40 degrees. Feels like 30. The heat in my house isn’t working. Some part of the furnace needs to be fixed. Landlord is getting another ex husband to fix it but for the next two days I’ll be without heat. Last night I slept in two sweaters, two pairs of socks and a hat. Woke up in the middle of the night with the ice cold, bony grip of death around my neck.
I’m going to burn furniture in my living room. There’s no relief. Bitter, spitting rain and chilling winds outside. Dead, frigid, stale air inside. I live in a vale of anguish, a tomb of strangled dreams. This place is haunted by a thousand ills. Poverty, depression, abuse, addiction, social disintegration and the cruelty of fate.
Trying to write more. Took me two days to get 130 words down. I work at five in the morning so I wake up even earlier to write. Half an hour to an hour. It’s not enough time. I could spend all day writing and it wouldn’t be enough. Wouldn’t be good enough. I rewrite and edit, smash my sentences into a pulp.
I live in an arctic outhouse. My phone dies when I send two texts so yesterday I went to the Verizon store to sell what’s left of my soul to Steve Jobs. Phone stores are sleek, bleak, inhuman places of sterile interfacing and byzantine contracts. Need to buy the phone and then the data plan. Sign your life away. Mortgage your new phone along with everything else you can’t afford.
Another monthly payment. Electric, gas, water, rent, car, food, health insurance and phone. I don’t eat enough but I still spend too much on food. I live in the cheapest home possible but I still spend too much on rent.
The phone store turned me down. My credit is so bad Apple doesn’t trust me with an installment plan. They said I could buy the phone at full price. I left with nothing after an hour of filling out forms. Saved some money. Who needs a new phone. The staff at Verizon was post apocalyptic. When I walked in every soy stuffed phone drone was staring at a screen. They do this all day long, sitting and staring, waiting to induct new members into their techno cult.
I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want it to be easier to disconnect from my surroundings and pretend I’m a wizard while my body and relationships deteriorate. I’ll just get a new MacBook instead.