It’s funny because it’s true

This story doesn’t matter. But I want to talk about it anyway.

Indians are the most ungrateful whiners in the world. Their standard of living in America is stratospherically higher than it is in the overpopulated, gang raping, septic tank of a country that spawned them. And they make more money on average than white Americans.

But the privilege of raiding the academic infrastructure of a functioning foreign country isn’t enough. Nor are the comforts, the human rights, the opportunity, or the streets that aren’t rivers of shit. They won’t be satisfied until they blast diarrhea all over our low culture and cartoon tv tradition. The fun of a caricature and the vitality of bawdy, offensive humor are lost on them. This is because Indians are barely human mutants.

The Simpsons has entertained America for decades. Only an Indian could fail to find it funny. Only a dour, unappreciative, autistic street shitter would bemoan a trivial aspect of life in a country that affords him unparalleled access to wealth and status.

Why are these charmless, alienating nerds so fixated on representations, cartoons and comic books ? When you make more money and are better educated than the average person in a country you’ll never fit into or be able to call home, why are you crying about two dimensional characters in tv shows?

Imagine being a white Christian in the dung hut of an indian in india. Your gracious hosts give you food and a seat on their comfiest couch, but your primary concern is the lack of positive white Christian symbols and characters in the house. What’s with all these elephants? Where are the crosses? Indian television doesn’t have many white people. Such an attitude would strike everyone as distasteful, self-centered and thankless.

The idea of a model minority is oppressive because it correctly assumes that Indians and Chinese are more successful than blacks and Mexicans. It’s a burden to consistently outperform other groups and also receive recognition for it. But it’s a myth that only accounts for Chinese and indian Asians. There are also lesser Asian boat people that wash up on America’s shores with lower IQ’s and weaker family structures. They work in nail salons and message parlors and make less than white Americans.

When a Cambodian makes a meager living, it’s because America is a racist country. When an Indian becomes a doctor and a millionaire, it’s also because of racism. A group sinking beneath the white average is a problem that whites should fix, but a group rising higher than whites is also a problem.

Or rather, it’s okay for a group to do better than whites, but it’s not okay for whites to notice. Or it’s okay for whites to notice, but not if it prevents them from condemning themselves. It’s wrong for whites to notice the superior educational attainments and wealth of an imported minority if it makes  whites feel good about themselves for building a society that shelters and empowers the grubby ingrates of the world.

The high achievements of some are meaningless as long as a single Laotian has to scrape by cleaning cuticles in a poorly ventilated salon. To suggest that there are certain behaviors and beliefs conducive to success in a complex, technologically advanced society is racist. Chinese and Indian families that raise their children in stable, rule governed homes aren’t models. There’s no lesson in their rise to the top, nothing to praise or copy that wouldn’t also affirm white supremacy.

Why are the Chinese and Indians successful and why are the Vietnamese struggling? The answer is the same in both cases: racism. Intelligence, aptitude, upbringing, culture, history and tradition are mystifying excuses for white domination. There’s no organic, non racist reason why some Asians are doing better than others. All we can say for sure is that the higher and lower order Asians should all band together to more efficiently pillage the remaining wealth and knowledge of the western world.

High achieving minorities are of questionable value to their host societies. They tend to repay the kindness of the majority with impertinence, suspicion and contempt, and they degrade a native environment with ugliness, overcrowding and pollution. They drain trust, sap social capital and shred cultural cohesion. Chinese and Indians have a narrow, ant-like industriousness and an inhuman, calculating intellect; they’re cold, ruthless manipulators, cheaters, scammers and swindlers.

These people make a mockery of a meritocracy. We don’t need more soulless, disloyal strivers in this country;  we’ve reached max capacity on materialistic foreigners who cheat on tests, huddle in reeking, ethnic enclaves and sneer at the majority population. We have enough greasy shysters, shifty middlemen, neurotic, masturbating comedians and goony computer janitors to drag our dying economy into the next century.

Every single character on the Simpsons is a cruelly insensitive but hilarious stereotype. Groundskeeper Willie is an angry, inept scottsman who wears kilts and plays bagpipes. Homer is an oafish white man who gorges on donuts and neglects his children. Marge is a bland, nagging housewife.

Lisa is a priggish feminist. Professor Frink is an impractical egghead, Cletus is a slack jawed yokel. Barney is a blundering drunk, Moe is an ugly, seedy tavern owner, and Chief Wiggum is a dim-witted policeman who looks and sounds like a pig.

Mr. Burns is a heartless corporate overlord. Smithers is a sycophantic, closeted assistant. Krusty is a sleazy, shekel clutching clown. Crowds turn into rioting mobs at the slightest provocation. People steal, cheat, taunt and mistreat each other with idiotic abandon in almost every scene. No one looks good on this show. Fat white men, scots, housewives, white trash, police, gilded era tycoons and closeted gays have so far got the joke or had the good grace to ignore how a ridiculous caricature made them feel.

But an elite college educated indian comes to American, watches an iconic cartoon and then nurses a girlish grudge for his entire adult life. No one seethes with petty, twig dicked resentment like a physically weak, unattractive, sexually unsuccessful Asian man.

All the education and money they leech from America won’t make them normal or attractive. Rather than accept their condition as unintentionally amusing and annoying bug people on the outside of a majority society looking in, they rage against the titanic injustice of having to repeat a catchphrase of a cartoon character every now and then.

Enduring such relentless, spirit breaking abuse, how did they manage to cut corners and finagle their way through hostile institutions in an inhospitable country to earn degrees and then get jobs or become acclaimed comedians? Let’s get a few scholars of racism to find out for us.

I’m going to go to India, get into their best high school, go to one of their top universities and then become a comedian who tells jokes about how the people there are close minded rubes for not liking me. The central theme of my act would be that a people with deeply entrenched customs living in the same place for hundreds or thousands of years should all go on soul searing, deconstructive quests to rid themselves of their aversion to me. Doesn’t that sound funny?

For our transnational corporations, an excluded minority is an untapped market. The drive to diversify a population coincides with a sleepless pursuit of profits. So we find ourselves in the current year with an economy working for the common good of capitalist barons, delocalized managers and tribal malcontents.

It won’t be enough to let the eastern bug people become our friendly neighborhood programmers and physicians. Allowing an Asian swarm to sweep through our universities like locusts ravaging a field of crops is insufficiently self effacing to meet the demands of our modern suicidal ethic. If the price of indian esteem is a handicapped sense of humor, then we should be willing to never laugh again.

Author: The Empty Subject

Born curmudgeon

One thought on “It’s funny because it’s true”

  1. I held my nose and read the article. What strikes me the most is that these people think they should matter for no other reason than their “economic clout”, which of course they didn’t really earn but rather leeched from their host. How quintessentially American of them to think that way.

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