The banality of being yourself

Now that I only have one job, I have much more time to contemplate my pointless existence. I wandered the city all weekend, idled in cafes and scouted out new places to work. Because one job isn’t enough. Because I no longer use free time to pretend that I’m a scholar or artist or decadent sex fiend. I used to read Marx and think that if I were free of capitalist exploitation, I’d be fishing and reading philosophy and fucking like a good, fully realized human.

But I hate fishing. And I can’t read philosophy anymore. Also, I don’t care about fucking. It’s boring and repetitive and I have little interest in exploring it outside of a relationship.

I don’t care about what I might like if I tried it. Who knows what’s swirling around down there in the depths. Maybe what I like is repulsive and life consuming. I’d rather not find out. Or it could be trivial and tedious. And what if I couldn’t do it well or get it easily without making my life in general much worse?

As long as you have passion. As long as you love what you do. 

What if I’m tired of trying to love what I do and want to love something else?

We slide into peculiar fixations and obsessive, idiosyncratic behavior because we’re losing touch with the fundamental elements of who we are. Like family, community, and religion. We’re not supposed to love what’s near and familiar, what’s natural, intimate and given.

In our system it’s healthy to handicap yourself and develop alienating interests. When it comes to organic identity, you deny and dismember. When it comes to bizarre sexual fetishes and goony obsessions, you celebrate and explore. You should be free to cut yourself off from your history and disappear down the fathomless anal cavity of self discovery.

Everything can be trans now, except for the one thing that’s traditionally transcendent. You can transcend being a man or a woman, this or that race or ethnicity, a member of a collective or nation, and even your humanity.

But the transcendence of an all powerful creator? Don’t be an ignorant bigot. We have the science and medical technology to lop off dicks and graft artificial vaginas now, we don’t need people believing in the possibility of casting off their mortal coils and living forever with the source of all creation.

That would just be fucking ridiculous.

Author: The Empty Subject

Born curmudgeon

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